Grief

It has been a long time since the last time I posted. I have intended to post, but every time I either felt that I had too much to say, or wasn't sure that I wanted someone to read what I had to say. Today though, I have so much on my mind, I have to share it. Also, I spent some time today searching for Christian encouragement for people dealing with infertility, and it reminded me that I'm doing this not just for myself, but also so that others going through it won't feel so alone.

Today I came into school with puffy and swollen red eyes. Granted, my eyes were already a little swollen and red from my allergies (die, ragweed, die!), but today it's from crying. And every time the puffiness starts to go away, I start to cry again.

The last post I made was about D-Chiro-Inositol. I stayed on it for a month, but didn't have the funds to purchase it again for another few months. I am back on it now. Because I'm back on it, when I felt what I thought was ovulation pain this month, just over two weeks after the beginning of my cycle, I was sure that there was a chance of getting pregnant this month. I got even more excited when, exactly a week after that, I began to experience some breast tenderness. That never happens to me except years ago when I was on the pill.  So that along with some other symptoms (bleeding gums, fatigue, lightheadedness, cramping)  had me convinced that I was actually pregnant. I mean, I was looking at nursery ideas, planning how to tell people, and everything. In addition to that a few people told me they thought I was pregnant also. I took a test on Saturday morning and thought I saw a faint positive. I took another one on Sunday and did not see anything at all. Still, I just felt pregnant, most of the time.

I called my obgyn and she scheduled me for blood work which I had done on Wednesday morning. Between Wednesday and Thursday afternoon, I prayed. And asked others to pray. And pray. I was convinced of a positive result. I prayed and told God that I was going to let go of all of that "Safety Doubt" I keep around to protect my heart, and allow myself to fully believe trusting that if I wasn't pregnant, he would give me the comfort I needed to get through the news.

I called the doctor again yesterday, to see if the results had come in, and left a message. I waited until the end of the day because I knew, good or bad news, I would have a hard time keeping it to myself. On my way home from work the call came. I am not pregnant. Not bursting into tears at those words was difficult, but I managed to schedule an appointment for my yearly before hanging up and sobbing. I still tried to hold it mostly together; I didn't want Steve to feel horrible when he saw me and driving through tears is not always a safe thing to do. That was kind of pointless though because when I saw Steve, I burst into tears, sobbing tears, which I quelled by shoving my face into his armpit (he was laying on the couch).

It's so strange because despite the fact that I now know that I'm not pregnant. I'm still noticing things that feel like symptoms. Or, I'm still thinking things like Well, maybe all of those symptoms were signs of ovulating, just late, and I could still be pregnant by the end of this month. Because, of course, I still haven't actually gotten my period yet and today is day thirty-six.

I know God has a reason for making me wait, and I know He has my best planned for me. And I know that God's best for me does not necessarily mean wonderful things, but rather what will make me keep developing in the women He wants me to be. But I keep speculating. What if God is making me wait because we're going to have financial struggles soon? What if he's making me wait because my child will have major disabilities? What if he's making me wait because I will die in childbirth, and he's giving Steve more time with me? What if he's making me wait to teach me something? What is trying to teach me? How can I learn it faster?  Does he want me to not use any medication/outside help to show that He doesn't need those? Should I start using prescription medication, if we can afford it? Do I need to have more faith each month? Should I stop trying? And I know all of these questions are ridiculous, but I ask them anyway. Over and over again.

I go through periods of truly giving it up to God. Then I "relapse" into questioning Him. It's just so confusing.

And Steve's not very vocal about how he's feeling. I've already made the mistake of assuming that he only cares because I care. So I waiver back and forth between wanting him to know how I'm feeling and not wanting him to feel badly because I am.

And I hate PCOS. Have I mentioned that recently it's started making my hair fall out? My thin to begin with hair? Or the fact that I've realized that my severe dandruff is also a symptom? Or that I've gained weight again? Grr.

So this wasn't a very encouraging post. But it was an honest post. And hopefully the honesty will help someone.

The Waiting Place

Today is Read Across America Day, Dr. Seuss's birthday. Many of my students were out on a field trip today, so we took a break from the normal day to day activities and read some Dr. Suess books. Sure, they're a little too old for it most of the time, but sometimes they need a break from trying to be teenagers.

I read them Oh the Places You'll Go! and was struck by some of the lines in the book. It's funny how when you're going through something like infertility, everything seems to point back to it or make you think of it.
                                                           
Anyway, the lines that hit me are below. I guess I forgot that some things are inevitable as a grown up, like waiting.

                                        "You can get so confused
                                          That you'll start in to race
                                          Down long wiggled roads at a break-necking pace
                                          And grind on for miles across weirdish wild space,
                                          Headed, I fear, toward a most useless place.
                                                                            The Waiting Place...

                                          ...for people just waiting.
                                          Waiting for a train to go
                                          or a bus to come, or a plane to go
                                          or the mail to come, or the rain to go
                                          or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow
                                          or waiting around for a Yes or a No
                                          or waiting for their hair to grow.
                                          Everyone is just waiting.

                                          Waiting for the fish to bite
                                          or waiting for wind to fly a kite
                                          or waiting around for Friday night
                                          or waiting, perhaps, for their Uncle Jake
                                          or a pot to boil, or a Better Break
                                          or a string of pearls, or a pair of pants
                                          or a wig with curls, or Another Chance.
                                          Everyone is just waiting.

                          NO!
                          That's not for you!

                                        Somehow you'll escape
                                        All that waiting and staying.
                                        You'll find the bright places
                                        Where Boom Bands are playing."

I forget sometimes that waiting is a part of everybody's life. Sometimes I just feel like I've been in a perpetual state of waiting. Waiting for a normal cycle, waiting for test results, waiting for the opportunity to purchase better insurance,  and most of all waiting for a response from God. Scratch that last one. I've gotten many responses from God, most of them being, "Wait," "Trust," and "Pray." It's just not the response I want in the timing I want it.

When it comes down to it, my infertility issues really aren't insurmountable. My husband's infertility issues could have either been a one time deal, or, they could be medically insurmountable. We've chosen to wait on God rather than continuing to pursue medical "fixes," partly out of financial necessity and partly because we felt that was what we should have done in the first place. As soon as I found out that I had PCOS my response was, "Oh, the doctor can put me on clomid or glucophage and everything will be fine; I'll be pregnant by the end of the year." In actuality, our first response should have been to pray not to make a doctor's appointment.

Scripture tells me that when I delight in the Lord, He will give me the desires of my heart. I don't believe that this means that God will give me everything I want, although that's tempting. I believe that if I make the Lord the center of my life, delighting in him, then my desires will align with His desires. That's what I'm praying for right now, that if bearing our own child is not in His plan for me, that He would align my desires with His.

Unfortunately, none of this is easy.

The Desires of my Heart.

My husband and I have been trying to get pregnant for almost three years. Well, I have been trying to get pregnant for that long. I say that with a smile, because when we first started, I was all for getting pregnant, and Steve was all for making me happy.

At first I think I just liked the idea of a baby, the idea of being pregnant. Since then it's become more than that. I have a constant and overwhelming desire to have a baby, moreover, to make a baby with my husband. I want to be pregnant and know that God has allowed me the miracle of growing a child that he knit together within my womb. And I want everything that comes with it. I can't wait to change diapers and give baths and help with homework, the whole nine yards. I want to be a mom.

And I want to see my husband be a daddy. I want to see him cradle a tiny baby in his strong hands. I want to see him talk to my belly (Is it weird that even before I started dating him one of my first thoughts was that he would be adorable with a pregnant wife someday?). I want to see him teach our children things and read Bible stories to them. I watch him with our new nephew or our godson and my heart aches with the fear that I will never see him do that with our own. I want to see him be a daddy.

This blog is all about my journey moving my heart past those fears and putting them in God's hands.