A Hope and a Future: The Desires of my Heart.

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

The Desires of my Heart.

My husband and I have been trying to get pregnant for almost three years. Well, I have been trying to get pregnant for that long. I say that with a smile, because when we first started, I was all for getting pregnant, and Steve was all for making me happy.

At first I think I just liked the idea of a baby, the idea of being pregnant. Since then it's become more than that. I have a constant and overwhelming desire to have a baby, moreover, to make a baby with my husband. I want to be pregnant and know that God has allowed me the miracle of growing a child that he knit together within my womb. And I want everything that comes with it. I can't wait to change diapers and give baths and help with homework, the whole nine yards. I want to be a mom.

And I want to see my husband be a daddy. I want to see him cradle a tiny baby in his strong hands. I want to see him talk to my belly (Is it weird that even before I started dating him one of my first thoughts was that he would be adorable with a pregnant wife someday?). I want to see him teach our children things and read Bible stories to them. I watch him with our new nephew or our godson and my heart aches with the fear that I will never see him do that with our own. I want to see him be a daddy.

This blog is all about my journey moving my heart past those fears and putting them in God's hands.

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"'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord,'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.'" Jeremiah 29:11

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding." Proverbs 3:4

"Wait for the LORD; be strong, and let your heart take courage;wait for the LORD!" Psalm 27:14

"Ask and you shall receive great and mighty things you never thought possible" Jeremiah 33:3

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Phillippians 4:6-7

"Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart." Psalm 37:4

"I sought the Lord and He heard me and freed my from all my fears."

Psalm 34:4

"Thus says the Lord to you, "Do not be afraid and do not be dismayed...because the battle is not yours but God's." 2 Chronicles 20:15

"We do not know what to do, but our eyes are on you." 2 Chronicles 20:12

"Give thanks to the Lord, for He is good; for his steadfast love endures forever." Psalm 118:1

I want to be pregnant. I want to be pregnant so badly it hurts. We have been trying to get pregnant for nearly three years now with no results. I once heard a character in a movie (I'm not sure which movie it was, but Helen Hunt played the character who said it) compare the desire to be pregnant to having to pee or being hungry. It's a desire that is natural and a desire that cannot be filled by anything else except a baby.

Or God. God can fill that need for me. Or take away that need. At least I think so. So far the need hasn't gone away, although that's what I've prayed for. I've prayed that if I can't have my own baby, he would take the need away or fill us with the desire (and the opportunity and means) to adopt.

I'm starting this blog simply to provide myself with an outlet for my feelings about this process, the process of waiting and wondering and fighting off fear and worry. And if, in the process of venting and sorting through these feelings, someone else stumbles across this blog, hopefully they can see some hope in it. Because I'm learning that this process is all about hope.