Spring and Dragons

Spring is difficult this year. First of all, it's such a tease! This Friday, we experienced 70 degree and higher temperatures. It was beautiful. I spent about an hour swinging on our tree swing wearing jeans and short sleeves, reading a book. Saturday and Sunday were cooler, but more like normal spring weather. In fact, I would describe Sunday as the perfect first day of spring. I could hear birds singing, see crocuses blooming, smell damp earth, and the bright yellow sun, shiny emerald grass (because new grass definitely has a shimmer to it), and brilliant blue sky were glorious. The temperature was in the 50's; warmer, but still with a hint of coolness in it. And the sunlight seemed to last forever! I worked for hours in the sunny kitchen, making key lime pie, grading papers, and folding laundry. I couldn't have asked for a better first day of spring.

Then Monday morning happened. I woke up to two inches of wet, slushy snow on the ground. Covering the beautiful green and the indigo crocuses. The incongruity of scraping the snow off of my car while little birds cheeped in the trees was boggling. And my commute to work was not fun. I actually slid right past one of the roads on which I needed to turn. Generally it was a yucky day (except that in the evening Steve surprised me by taking me to dinner and a movie).

By this morning, all of the snow was gone. Just muddy grass left. But according to my Weather Channel app. on my cell phone, there is a Winter Storm Warning in affect until Thursday morning. Great, more snow. I feel like saying, "Hey God, it's not winter anymore; spring has begun! That means no Winter Storm Warnings. Give us a thunderstorm instead!"

That's what I feel like with all of this infertility stuff. Spring has begun in my heart so many times. Every time I've purchased a pregnancy test, every time I though this ultra sound or blood test was the last one, every time I've begun a new herbal supplement, every time I've had a normal length cycle. Then winter dumps another two inches on my lap; a three month cycle, no results from the supplement, another $600 test, another negative pregnancy test.

It's so hard not to be discouraged perpetually. Some days I just want to cry. And to be honest, that's the feeling that usually takes over when I allow myself to think about it. Despair and discouragement. Because that desire and longing is always there, waiting in the background, and any time I have a spare moment to myself it creeps up. Once in a while it's a hopeful feeling, but usually it comes with a reminder that it may be a longing that is never fulfilled.

God always sends me reminders though. Either through scripture I read on my own, a sermon in church, the Word for the Day read over the PA system at school, something I read that seems unrelated, or a friend's blog. This week it came through a friend's blog. 

Kristen's words about raking and smoothing reminded me that God is shaping me through all this. Shaping Steve and me as a couple. Prayerfully, he's shaping us to be better parents, but even if he's not, he's forming us into who He wants us to be.

I know I'm jumping from metaphor to metaphor here, but I'm also reminded of C.S. Lewis's book The Voyage of the Dawn Treader which is my favorite of the series. In it, the character Eustace is turned into a dragon and tries over and over again to change himself back into a boy. He tries to shed his skin, which he can do easily, with almost no pain. He does it over and over again, but nothing changes; he's still a dragon. Until Aslan shows up. Aslan tells Eustace that he must allow Him to make the change. So Aslan takes his huge claw and scratches through Eustaces dragon scales, and this time it HURTS! I think Eustace may even say that it feels like the claw is piercing his heart. When Aslan finishes, Eustace is smaller and tender underneath (still a dragon I think), but Aslan throws him into the water to wash him, and when Eustace arises, he is a boy again! I am reminded that change, real change, is painful, but so worth it.

The Waiting Place

Today is Read Across America Day, Dr. Seuss's birthday. Many of my students were out on a field trip today, so we took a break from the normal day to day activities and read some Dr. Suess books. Sure, they're a little too old for it most of the time, but sometimes they need a break from trying to be teenagers.

I read them Oh the Places You'll Go! and was struck by some of the lines in the book. It's funny how when you're going through something like infertility, everything seems to point back to it or make you think of it.
                                                           
Anyway, the lines that hit me are below. I guess I forgot that some things are inevitable as a grown up, like waiting.

                                        "You can get so confused
                                          That you'll start in to race
                                          Down long wiggled roads at a break-necking pace
                                          And grind on for miles across weirdish wild space,
                                          Headed, I fear, toward a most useless place.
                                                                            The Waiting Place...

                                          ...for people just waiting.
                                          Waiting for a train to go
                                          or a bus to come, or a plane to go
                                          or the mail to come, or the rain to go
                                          or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow
                                          or waiting around for a Yes or a No
                                          or waiting for their hair to grow.
                                          Everyone is just waiting.

                                          Waiting for the fish to bite
                                          or waiting for wind to fly a kite
                                          or waiting around for Friday night
                                          or waiting, perhaps, for their Uncle Jake
                                          or a pot to boil, or a Better Break
                                          or a string of pearls, or a pair of pants
                                          or a wig with curls, or Another Chance.
                                          Everyone is just waiting.

                          NO!
                          That's not for you!

                                        Somehow you'll escape
                                        All that waiting and staying.
                                        You'll find the bright places
                                        Where Boom Bands are playing."

I forget sometimes that waiting is a part of everybody's life. Sometimes I just feel like I've been in a perpetual state of waiting. Waiting for a normal cycle, waiting for test results, waiting for the opportunity to purchase better insurance,  and most of all waiting for a response from God. Scratch that last one. I've gotten many responses from God, most of them being, "Wait," "Trust," and "Pray." It's just not the response I want in the timing I want it.

When it comes down to it, my infertility issues really aren't insurmountable. My husband's infertility issues could have either been a one time deal, or, they could be medically insurmountable. We've chosen to wait on God rather than continuing to pursue medical "fixes," partly out of financial necessity and partly because we felt that was what we should have done in the first place. As soon as I found out that I had PCOS my response was, "Oh, the doctor can put me on clomid or glucophage and everything will be fine; I'll be pregnant by the end of the year." In actuality, our first response should have been to pray not to make a doctor's appointment.

Scripture tells me that when I delight in the Lord, He will give me the desires of my heart. I don't believe that this means that God will give me everything I want, although that's tempting. I believe that if I make the Lord the center of my life, delighting in him, then my desires will align with His desires. That's what I'm praying for right now, that if bearing our own child is not in His plan for me, that He would align my desires with His.

Unfortunately, none of this is easy.

The Desires of my Heart.

My husband and I have been trying to get pregnant for almost three years. Well, I have been trying to get pregnant for that long. I say that with a smile, because when we first started, I was all for getting pregnant, and Steve was all for making me happy.

At first I think I just liked the idea of a baby, the idea of being pregnant. Since then it's become more than that. I have a constant and overwhelming desire to have a baby, moreover, to make a baby with my husband. I want to be pregnant and know that God has allowed me the miracle of growing a child that he knit together within my womb. And I want everything that comes with it. I can't wait to change diapers and give baths and help with homework, the whole nine yards. I want to be a mom.

And I want to see my husband be a daddy. I want to see him cradle a tiny baby in his strong hands. I want to see him talk to my belly (Is it weird that even before I started dating him one of my first thoughts was that he would be adorable with a pregnant wife someday?). I want to see him teach our children things and read Bible stories to them. I watch him with our new nephew or our godson and my heart aches with the fear that I will never see him do that with our own. I want to see him be a daddy.

This blog is all about my journey moving my heart past those fears and putting them in God's hands.